!

I’m a Play therapist, one of those experts. One of the ones that parents come to when they are struggling.They aren’t sure if they can make it together on their own. They come to me and ask for help. The biggest support I have ever given to parents is to rebuild their belief in their own ability.

‘You can do this.’

‘You have the answers.’

‘ What you are doing is wonderful, just keep going.’

Not all parents work in the same way. Some they are loud, or busy, or don’t fit in with whatever parenting approach the research is telling us is best at this moment in time. Usually when I sit down with parents and talk it though it is exactly right. Right for them and their child at that moment in time. What I need to do is not demand change from them, but give them support. The only times I’ve found parents completely missing the mark when it comes to their kids is when they are full of ‘should’ and ‘musts’. Too many parenting books and they think they ‘should talk this way’ ‘must act this way.’ They aren’t being themselves and its not working.

An example. (I’ve changed details etc so no confidentiality issues). I was in a supervision group with other play therapists. We all have to attend regular supervision so we don’t go too far off the wall, or beaten track! One therapists brought a case to the group of a single parent who at times was not fully engaged with her child, struggled to find time to play and sometimes shouted at their child. The parent had a difficult marriage, difficult break up and her child was feeling it. The therapist felt the issue wasn’t with the child, but with the parenting and so she wasn’t really able to support them. I was so mad.

I was a single parent for five years of my parenting life. I had a moments of breakdown, sitting on my own in my dark kitchen, looking at my reflection in the window wondering how the hell I was going to survive this. Do you have any idea of the pressure of being a single parent? You have no one, no one to talk to about the shit, the bad shit like how not to loose it at your child when they wake you up for the sixth time, or toileting for Gods sake! On your own! Poop everywhere! Or little things like deciding when they should go to bed or how much crap they can eat or what is too much screen time or what is normal or not, when are they being a brat and when are they just a kid? You have no one to ask, to laugh with about it, to roll your eyes and groan with, to help you like them when they really aren’t being likable, to remind you of exactly how wonderful your kid is. Being a single parent is tough. But you end up knowing your child like no one else. It is you and them and you will be closer to them then anyone else in your life, ever. Parenting as a single parent is fundamentally different then parenting as a couple.

I remember times when I was distant with my child, because that’s the only way I could cope. Times when I was so tired, I just barely got through the day. Times when his hug triggered so much loneliness I had to go into another room to bawl crying, because I didn’t want to break down in front of him. I tried to explain to my supervision group that perhaps it wasn’t parenting issue, but rather that the mother was struggling right now and maybe she needed support, not criticism. Absolutely, lots of nodding, parents need so much support, but they won’t listen to what we say so how can we support them? The therapist decided to give the mother a list of games and activities to build attachment and improve a relationship that, in my view, wasn’t broken. She poured more work on that mothers plate, telling her (in a caring and empathetic way), that what she was doing right now was inadequate and she needed to change, to do things this way. To somehow pretend to her child she was happy (even though she was falling apart inside) and pretend everything was really great, put on her ‘Barnie voice’ and play.

It’s only an idea, but perhaps what that mother needed was someone to say, ‘hey, you are doing the very best you can right now and I can see how much you adore your child by the way you look at them and the way they look at you and it must be really hard to do this on your own and, by the way your child is really great. You don’t have to do this on your own, we can do it together, how can we make things easier?’ And talk about the little things like how much sugar they can eat and the big things like when do you start to worry about them.

Over the years I realise that parents know exactly what they are doing and often it’s the experts that don’t listen because we are following the book. Unfortunately the book keeps changing. When I started as a parent, parenting was hardcore, Nanny 999, behaviour based. Naughty step and taking away toys. I didn’t do that, it was too much like hard work for a single parent, but I did use 1,2,3 you’re out. Three warnings that a boundary had been crossed, three chances for my kid to realise there was a boundary, and then out, taken off for a little quiet time. Not on a stupid ‘step’, not on his own, but away from the TV or the toys or the other kids. a sit down and chill for a minute. But then I started training and read how much I messed him up and that that was a horrible way to parent and instead I should look at the needs behind the behaviour, sit with my child, talk to them, reason with them, hold them, play with them. They should learn boundaries through reason and love rather than absolutes, black and white and authoritarianism. It tugged at my heart how much I’d messed up the first one.Not so with the second and third, They would be brought up with love and play and joy!

It doesn’t work, of course. The bit that they forgot to tell us is that children need boundaries. They need routine and predictability. Now the books are saying kids need a strong adult in their lives telling them without any negotiation that biting is not ok. They need this because then they know that no one will bite them and they can feel safe .They need this because if Mam is a little scary as well as wonderful and loving, then she can keep me safe. Parents are like Gods, and Gods shouldn’t always walk the earth. They need to be up there, a little out of reach, all knowing, all seeing, handing down the rules and keeping us safe. Of course they need to always be there, open and available, and we need to know that their presence and love is unconditional. But if you get down on the floor and try to explain to a three year old the social consequences of biting, putting the responsibility on her to choose not to bite, trying to draw on theory of mind, self control, empathy and executive functioning skills she doesn’t have yet, you are kind of setting her up for failure. It’s a lot of responsibility and a lot 0f disappointment and shame when they fail. Or you can tell them, clearly and firmly ‘no biting or you take a break’, then when they loose it and bite, they get a time to chill and regulate, with you there helping them. And then its all finished and life goes on. Of course next year the books will tell us something completely different.

So what I’m saying is that the experts aren’t always right because the books keep changing. They don’t know your child like you do. They see your child an hour a week, but you are there 24/7. You have seen your child grow from a distant flutter in your belly to a living , breathing, screaming, crying person who knows all the buttons to push. They have no idea what it is like in your house and what will work for you . You do..

So you need to take all the crap experts throw at you and pick the bits out that suit you. First you need to trust your own judgement. You love your kid absolutely. In a way none of the people who will work with him ever will. You will always act out of love for him. Some of the stuff you try will flop. That’s ok, it flops for the experts too. Parenting is 50% trial and error. Once you know that you can try new stuff, what is it like to just say no and suffer through the meltdown? Maybe that’s not it, maybe you need to drip feed the transition – ten more minutes, five minutes, last minute. Its ok to try different ways and find the ones that work because every child is different and every family works in their own way. It is also ok to say to a professional ‘I’m sorry I don’t think that will work for us, can you suggest a different way?’, or read a different book. For example loads of parents find it really hard to get down on the floor and play with toys with their kids. Take them outside to the woods or the beach and they can throw stones and fire spears, or pretend they are hunting bears or build a sandcastle or play tag or just kick a ball. Why cause all that stress and tear yourself apart because you can’t ‘play’, when all you need to do is go outside?

Professionals have the book we sort f have to follow. Its up to parents to take that advice and apply it to real life. I’m hoping this blog will help- with that. I’m hoping I can explain a little bit more about how professionals work, so you can work with them. I hope you will be able to feel more equal and demand to be treated equally. Some Posts on here will look at different professions. I’ll try to explain some different theories so you can understand what they are on about, I’ll try to show you ways you can support your kids at home, apply theories to practise yourselves. This is not to replace any therapeutic interventions, if you are told to go see an Occupational Therapist then go see and OT, but understand what an OT does, and see what you can do at home that will be more natural and fit for you. I’m hoping to show that lots of the stuff you do every day is already wonderful for your kid, if you could see that you can do more of that stuff and stop worrying so much.