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Let’s make up an imaginary child. Lets call him Harry Potter, a child with
many deep psychological traumas. Harry’s Uncle, Vernon, brings him to play therapy
because Harry is hiding under the stairs and says he can talk to snakes. His
uncle explains that Harry’s parents died when harry was only a baby so he
doubts that could have any impact.
First step is a session with Aunt and Uncle and we explore how Petunia, his Aunt really
worried about taking Harry in after her sisters death. She worries he will be like his father,
who was very strange and it becomes clear that their relationship needs a bit
of work. There also seems to be a bit of inequality between how they treat Harry
compared to his cousin, Dudley. We talk this through best we can and they get some
things to think about and perhaps a few simple goals to try, such as listening
to Harry talk about the stories he makes up, or look back of photos of Harry as a baby and remember him growing up. Petunia might need some support too. I wonder if she is
grieving her sister who she may have had a difficult relationship with. I will never blame the parents.We all have our shit going on and
no one is the perfect parent, nor would you want to be. Children need imperfection so they can feel okay with their own messes. So there is no judgement, just the question how can we
make things easier?
We might decide to bring Harry in so i can get an idea of what’s going on for him. When Harry comes in the first day i explains to him that his uncle and aunt are a bit worried because
sometimes Harry doesn’t seem happy. sometimes when kids come in to the play
room and play, it can make things feel better. I
explain that his Aunt and Uncle were going to come and meet me sometimes too
but they were going to talk to me to try to make things work better, because adults talk, kids play.
Harry then gets to check out the playroom and decide to play with whatever
he wants. He chooses to make a world in the sand and he puts out a castle and a
giant, a faceless monster that he buries in the sand, a wizard and some kids
that are playing with a two headed dog. He explains that the giant is friendly
and that they all live in the castle. They don’t know the monster is hiding
underneath, they don’t even say his name. We go on to play some sword fighting
and Harry jumps right into role play, making me the faceless villain he has to
kill. He kills me but I come back to life again and again.
First session is really just a warm up. Usually kids will sign up for ten
sessions. First few to build up a relationship, another three or four to do the
work, then another few to finish up.
The second session Harry explains more about the children in the sandtray. He create the scene again. The therapist doesn’t join in with the making. I reflect back the story, checking in that I understands everything and try to find out more about what is going on fro the people. I treat the characters as if they are real and very important. I might ask Harry to tell me more about the giant figuer, who he explains looks out for he kids, buys them clothes and keeps them safe.
After a few sessions I wonder if Harry has created this place where he feels wanted and looked after. A place where he belongs. I wonder if he feels he belongs at home at all. I wouldn’t ask him, I would ask his Aunt and Uncle. It might be a way to explore Harries place in their family. Perhaps Petunia never realised that he could pick up on her feelings for him. It makes her cry to think about and she wonders if it is all her fault. I reassure her that it is no ones fault, but that sometimes families get messed up. I ask about her sister and things they did together when they were little. We explore that for a while and she begins to realise how much she still grieves for her. We wonder if maybe that hurt has gotten in the way of her caring for Harry.It is not that she doesn’t care, but that harry makes her think about her sister, which hurts, so she tries not to think about him at all.
I ask Petunia to spend some time with him and we look at things they can do together that they both enjoy. Harry keeps coming to sessions. In his play we look at trusting adults again so he doesn’t need to disappear in to his fantasy all the time. He begins to talk about outings with his aunt. Harry’s cousin starts to feel left out and to act up, picking on Harry by breaking his toys. Harry tells me about this and it becomes a chance to talk to his Aunt and Uncle about how they can make things more fair between the two children. Vernon struggles with this. He says that Harry isn’t really his child,that Dudley is. I ask him to put himself in Harry’s shoes, and if he can be a role model for Harry, that he is all Harry has as a father figure. Vernon says he will try to find some space for Harry and he brings Harry with him when he takes Dudley out to the cinema or go-carting. Harry and Dudley discover that they both love star wars, which they didn’t know before because they never spent time together. They still fight lots but now they also watch movies together and play computer games. Dudley even lets Harry play his playstation, which he never did before.
In the playroom Harry has started to have some of his main characters die, burying them and putting up a grave stone. It gives us a chance to talk about death, what it means, where people go afterwards. Without me saying anything Harry wonders where his parents are. He decides they are still looking out for him somewhere, and this seems to help.
I ask Petunia if they ever visit Harry’s parents grave. They don’t and Harry doesn’t really have any photos or memories of them. I help Petunia to create a memory box with Harry. I explain that even though he may not have any memories of his own, he still needs to know who they were and have something of theirs that is his. Harry chooses some photos to keep, an old scarf from his father and a necklace of his mothers. They put them in a special box he can keep. Petunia creates an album of photos for Harry and he keeps it in his room. It includes photos of him as a baby being held by Petunia and Vernon, and photos of him growing up with them, as well as photos of his parents. She gets two photo frames and puts a photo of Harry’s parents in one. In another she puts a new photo she takes of all of them together.
In the play room the world of the giant and the wizard doesn’t come up anymore. Now Harry and I play soccer because he has joined the local team. He talks about the kids he is going to invite to his birthday party. I ask him about his stories and he tells me he wrote them down. He is going to write a book and be a famous writer one day. He tells me that his aunt read them and typed them up for him. She’s going to print them out and Harry will draw pictures and it will be a real book. He is really excited about it. So is Petunia.
We decide stop session with Harry, but keep in touch. Petunia checks in every now and then, especially around her sister’s anniversary, but Harry doesn’t come back to the play room.
This is obviously completely fictional but maybe it will give you an idea of the process. It is not just the child doing the work, everyone needs to do something. It’s not huge changes that need to be made, little gestures mean everything. Sometimes the biggest changes are inside, and you might not even know what they are until afterwards.
Parents As Expert 